A Presentation and a Headache
by Shieldage
Summary: Two dirty jokes starring the cast of Buffy. A retelling of something that happened Once Upon a Time, followed by a night no-one really wants to talk about.


BtVS by Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

* * *

**A Time to Remember**

_The joke is adapted loosely from Beilenson's Little Black Book of Dirty Jokes._

##

Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Buffy was taking a basket of goodies across town to her sick Watcher. As she was leaving the house her mother gave her a kiss on the cheek and said: "Steer clear of the park today. There's a Big Bad out there who'll lick your nipples."

Humming merrily to herself, Little Red Riding Buffy went skipping through the park on her usual shortcut to her Watcher's apartment.

When she came to his door, he answered her knock, his happiness apparent despite the sniffles.

"Now be careful on your way back tonight," he said on receiving the basket. "There's a Big Bad in the park who'll fondle your knockers."

As the sun sank down, Little Red Riding Buffy slowly stepped into the park, moving her head to watch both sides of the path.

When out from behind a tree jumped the Big Bad, she greeted him with: "My, Mr. Big Bad, what big hands you have."

And then, before he could move: "My, Mr. Big Bad, what a big tongue you have."

##

"Girl," he snarled in a big bad voice. "You better take off your shirt 'cause I want to get at those breasts!"

##

"No," she said, hiking up her skirt. "You're going to eat me just like the story says."

##

##

_The lights flicker on as a very angry Buffy storms up to the slideshow projector, tears the pointer from the narrator's hand and yells into his face: _**"ANDREW, THAT IS NOT HOW I HAD SEX WITH SPIKE!"**

...

* * *

**A Very Bad Night and the Morning After**

_While I didn't create this off-color joke, as far as I know it's public domain._

_Basic set-up: Next morning meet up, 1st-person's story, 2nd person's story, 3rd person's story._

_Punchline: 1st person says "Guys, you don't understand! (Odd Name) is my (noun)!"_

_Is how the joke normally goes. I'm going to try narrating the night before and ending half-way through the Basic set-up. Hope it works. Oh, I've taken liberties with Spike's crypt and Riley's car, because I like how 'Humvee' sounds :)_

##

Okay, so Riley, Spike and Xander find themselves drinking together in a bar, very early in Season Five. They're pretty standoffish at first, but a couple jokes about superpowered blondes break the ice. Unfortunately they get themselves wasted, so much so that it just wouldn't be safe for them to go walking down the streets of Sunnydale alone at night.

Xander asks Riley to drop him off at the Harris house, so they climb into the soldier's military-grade Humvee and take off, swerving slightly.

Spike hops into an immaculate cherry red Chevrolet and pulls out of the parking lot. Unlike the humans, he's having no trouble keeping the sleek car going in a straight line - right through a couple red lights.

##

"Are you going to be okay getting home," Xander asks as he gets out of the Humvee. Riley nods and drives away. Xander shrugs and stumbles into his parent's house, but when he opens the basement door he misses the first step and tumbles down the stairs.

Anya jumps up and rushes over to tend to his wounds. He raises his head and weakly says: "Hey, don't worry, honey, I'm fine. It's going to take a lot more than that to kill this Scooby."

"You're drunk! How dare you scare me like that! You're turning into_ your father_!" Anya screeches and starts running around the room throwing clothes in a bag.

"No, don't go! It's not thash bad..." he slurs. "Wait, those are my clothes."

"Right. Get out of here. _Go_!," she screams through her tears. "I've granted too much vengeance to have you in my life anymore!"

"Anya, this is _my_ house!"

"It's your _parents'_ house! They like me better than you and I make more money! Just leave!"

##

Riley is driving home on a dark road when a dog runs out in front of him. Fortunately Riley's military training and the road's wide shoulder prevent any major accident.

When Riley staggers out of the car, the dog runs up, plants his feet on Riley's shoulders and begins licking his face.

"Okay, boy, down," Riley laughs and reaches for the dog's nametag. "You're a friendly guy aren't ya? Seems here your name is Chunks. I don't feel up to taking you to the shelter right now, so looks like you're stuck with me until morning. C'mon boy, let's go home."

##

The next day, Spike wakes up to feel his arm baking in the bright morning sunlight. "Fuck!" he snarls and pulls his arm to his chest. "Oh bloody hell," he gasps as he realizes where he is. "Oh sodding bloody fucking _hell_!"

Tire tracks lead through the cemetery gates directly to Spike's crypt, where the formerly immaculate car is stuck halfway inside the doors. "Alright. How did I do this? The doors are wedged shut... I'm going to have to break the window and climb out, or I'm gonna be stuck in here all day!"

He wraps his arm in his coat, bashes the front windshield and climbs out of the car and into the sweet cool darkness of his crypt. "All this and a bleedin' hangover! I can't believe - Wait a second, whose fucking car is this?"

##

Xander wakes up to feel the morning sun baking down his face.

He smiles at the warmth for a few seconds, until he realizes he's lying on a park bench with all his hastily bagged clothes strewn around him.

Then comes the headache.

##

Riley wakes up and blinks his eyes.

He rolls over in his bed and looks at the dog panting happily next to him.

Riley grabs a pillow, presses it down over his own face and begins to swear a blue streak.

##

That night, Xander's out patrolling with Buffy, having spent the day hanging out with her and feeling pretty sorry for himself.

Riley's patrolling on his own when he bumps into Spike. The vampire's pretty pissed at himself and has been trolling the graveyard itching for a fight.

When Buffy and Xander come up, the guys politely suggest she go on ahead. Shrugging, she walks away. They busy themselves with small talk, until Spike - who has the best hearing - announces: "All's clear, she's far enough away... You won't believe what a bloody awful night I had."

"The worst," Xander nods.

"Bad night, worse morning," Riley moans. "When everything comes back to you."

"I had the worst sodding night! You won't believe where I woke up!"

"At least it was probably indoors! My night was horrible because-"

"No. My night was the worst ever," Riley groans, a horrified expression on his face. "I was so wasted that when I got home, I climbed straight into bed and _blew Chunks_!"


End file.
